Something Something Something Radiation
by Grav
Summary: The one where they turn into cats [and some dogs].


**AN**: The blame for this rests mostly with **penknife**, but also a little bit with **shadadukal**. It's like old times, again! ;)

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, no profit

**Spoilers**: The movie

**Characters**: Maria Hill, Pepper Potts, Darcy Lewis, Jane Foster, Nick Fury, Tony Stark, Thor, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Loki

**Rating**: Kid Friendly

**Summary**: The one where they turn into cats (and some dogs).

* * *

**Something, Something, Something, Radiation**

Later, Tony will argue that he did not hear Bruce say "I really don't think you should touch that", but since everyone in the room yelled the same thing as Tony reached for it, he won't have a leg to stand  
on.

Currently, that is the farthest thing from Maria's mind, though, because NONE of the Avengers have a leg to stand on. They have four.

* * *

"You said a lot of words there, Hill," Fury says without looking up at the monitor. "But mostly what I heard was 'something, something, something, RADIATION.'"

"Yes, sir," Maria says. "Radiation. Your crack team of superheroes has been turned into cats."

Fury looks up long enough to glare at her, and then goes back to whatever crisis he's currently averting at his desk on the helicarrier.

"I don't think radiation can do that," he says, shuffling paper out of sight of the camera.

"You are welcome to come down and take a look," Maria offers.

"Oh, I'm gonna sell tickets," Fury says. "I just think denial is the natural first step before accepting this sort of thing."

"Yes, sir."

"Any ideas as to the cause?" There's a siren blaring in the background, but Maria can't make out the code over the channel. They secure these things for a reason.

"They did just get Loki into custody again," she says.

"Wonderful," Fury says. "Go make him tell you what he's done."

"He was in the room when the device went off, sir," Maria says.

"Tell me it affects Asgardian physiology differently," Fury says through his teeth. He almost looks at her, this time, but then there's another explosion.

"Oh, yes, sir." Maria does her best to fight down a grin. "We are now the proud owners of an enormous golden labradoodle and what Darcy Lewis tells me is a very high strung whippet."

Fury finally looks straight into the camera, eye blazing. His full attention, and the fact that the siren in the back has cut out abruptly, indicates that he is taking their furry little problem seriously.

"Banner?"

"Biggest Maine Coon Cat I've ever seen," Maria says. She lets herself smile this time, because if she'd had to say 'Banner turned into a three tonne green Bengal tiger that ATE your crack team of superheroes', she would have led with it. "No sign of any green."

"Well thank goodness for small mercies," Fury says.

"Yes, sir."

"Get Foster on it," Fury says. There's a new siren. Maria thinks it might be decompression related. "And probably Potts as well."

"Way ahead of you, sir," she says. She turns off the comm screen before Fury can tell her to keep him informed.

* * *

"Why is Steve a Tonkinese?" Darcy asks, cocking her head to one side. "It's not very patriotic of him."

"Not really on point, Lewis," Maria says. Beside her, Jane swallows a laugh while Pepper is texting God knows who on her PDA. "Do we have any idea if they've kept their human intelligence?"

"When they first turned, Bruce spent a while staring at Tony's Arc reactor," Jane reports. "So either he really likes shiny things, or he was checking Tony over."

"And Tony's not freaking out," Pepper adds. "I think a cat would freak out."

"Where's Hawkeye?" Maria asks, realizes that there is one fewer animal present than there was the last time she looked through the observation window.

"He found out how high cats can jump," Darcy says.

Maria rubs her nose. "I hope he's in a really small vent when this wears off," she says.

"Steve's got it under control," Darcy says. Maria is almost sure she's trying to be reassuring, but it's too bizarre. "He won't let any of them go too far."

"How can you possibly tell?"

"I'm a cat person," Darcy shrugs.

"Do you think they can understand us?" Jane asks.

"One way to find out." Maria leans forward and activates the intercom. "With Tony like this, now would be a great time to get him fixed."

She pulls back quickly, but not so fast that they are spared Tony's indignant response. Pepper's laugh is a bit hysterical, and Maria decides they need to make some progress.

"Right," she says, "probably still intelligent and they can understand us. Options?"

* * *

"Why don't we just go in?" Darcy says about half an hour later.

The lithe black cat whose short hair glints red when she turns, has staked out a corner and is sharpening her claws on the metal legs of a work bench. Even the Labradoodle is keeping its distance.

"It's radiation, Darce," Jane says. "Half-life and all that. It's not like there's an off switch, and there's still trace amounts of it left."

"Yeah, I know," Darcy says. "And the last thing your star-crossed romance needs is for you to be turned into two different species who aren't similar enough to mate."

Jane turns bright red at that, and turns back to her scans. She's decided that since the animals are in no danger, it's best to wait until the radiation levels recede and then hope the condition reverses itself. They had communicated as much to the animals, and then watched with some amusement as the whippet duplicated itself to torment the others, only to be roundly squashed by the Maine Coon.

"I hope it wears off before Loki pees on _all_ the expensive lab equipment," Pepper says. "I'm going to have to look into a more comprehensive insurance plan. Again."

"Why doesn't he just use the rest room?" Jane asks. "The door's motion activated, and there's a urinal."

"Whippets are like that," Darcy tells her. "You train them and you give them every opportunity and comfort, and they still pee on everything."

"What, are you a dog person too?" Maria asks.

"Animals trust me."

"Where are their clothes?" Pepper asks suddenly.

"I don't know," Jane says. "But I'm hoping that means they're not naked when they turn back."

The four of them consider it for a moment, and then Darcy knocks her forehead against the glass. All the animals jump.

"I do not get paid enough for this," she laments. Maria feels about a hundred years old.

"Welcome to the club."

* * *

Two hours, and a large amount of raw steak later, an abashed but human Tony Stark emerges from the lab, still arguing with Bruce about whether or not he'd heard the warning to leave Loki's device alone.

"We all heard him, Stark," Natasha says. "And then we all yelled at you. You have no excuses."

"Also, you are buying the first round," Clint adds.

"He's buying all the rounds," Maria says. "For all of us."

"What if I just buy the bar?" Tony asks.

"What if you just use the one you already have?" Pepper suggests.

"I must return my brother to Asgard," Thor says, his tone regretful. "Before he can cause another problem."

"Someday you should stick around for the after party," Darcy says, linking her arm through Jane's.

"Hill, what do you think it would take to get that thing into Fury's office?" Tony asks.

Maria takes a deep breath. Beside her, Steve does his best not to laugh.

"Just start pouring, Stark," she says.

* * *

**finis**

Gravity_Not_Included, October 31, 2012


End file.
